There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
