One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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