I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
