im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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