had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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