so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
