I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
