Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
