That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
