He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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