she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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