I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
