New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
