she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
