I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
this boner is exhausting
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
