Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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