jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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