I'm eating all of the evidence.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
