The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
