I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
