Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
