Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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