ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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