i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
