Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
