I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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