...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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