bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
two words...techno handjob
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
