if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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