never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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