I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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