Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
