There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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