ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
