Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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