This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
