On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
