i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
