Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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