hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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