Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
