Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
