Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
