I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
