so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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