they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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