4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
