kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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