he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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