Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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