tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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