Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
