If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
