yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He kissed a someone with a penis
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
