I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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