what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
