in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
