can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
