I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
