Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
