just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
