I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
