Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
