I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
