My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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